This was, admittedly, a tough year to review Super Bowl ads. For one, the game was actually pretty good. I have no vested interest in either team, but it seemed like so much was on the line for both. More than most years, anyway. More than some big chrome phallus or gaudy ring.
For NY, there was respect. It was good to see a gang from New York show the world that respect is still something you earn. Not just fight and die for.
For New England it was history. The chance to become the most boringly predictable, blandly efficient victory machine since Bill Walsh traded the scrappy soul of the Niners for a Rolex perfectly synchronized to get its opera glass touting fans out of the crisp Candlestick sunshine with a win before the chill was off their Chardonnay.
In the end, though, you’ve got to give it up for the East Rutherford WhatExits. And while I’d never question New England’s patriotism, we may have just learned a valuable little lesson about getting too cocky when you think you’re the sole superpower.
Still, even for a game with so many original storylines, my top-line impression of this year’s crop of commercials was a decided lack of original storylines. So let’s run through a few that stuck with me for one reason or another (click here if you want to play along at home):
1. My biggest laugh of the day came from Tide’s talking stain spot. The gag was genuinely funny, and the execution was oddly, frustratingly impossible not to pay attention to. They put a comedic face on an anxiety we all harbor. That everyone is looking at that gerb on my shirt and wondering what it is and what kind of grotesque I am for having created it. And what kind of dork I am for not having noticed and removed it. I laughed out loud. (score: 4 snot bubbles)
2. Talking babies would probably fall into the category of Only Done About 87 Times In Commercials And 4 or 5 In Feature Films so let’s give it a go. But a few things kind of worked for me in the E-trade spots. For one, the web cam. Besides a great way to mask a CG mouth that was never going to look real in HD, it gave a needed cool factor to a baby that never blinked. And then the kid’s voice. Best casting, by far. The spit up was silly in the first spot, but the line of the day for me was: “I really underestimated the creepiness.” (3.5 snot bubbles)
3. The screaming critters in the first Bridgestone ad. I had to call my kids in knowing they’d get a kick out of that one. (Which doesn’t speak well of their targeting considering my 4 and 7 year old aren’t big tire purchasers.) Then, by using Alice Cooper and Richard Simmons in their second spot, Bridgestone checked off the two most commonly used easy laughs in advertising – making critters talk and making over the hill celebrities look even more ridiculous than they really are. (Score: 2 snot bubbles, 2 screaming kids)
4. Remind me to thank Pepsi for fulfilling a personal fantasy of getting to watch Justin Timberlake dragged through the streets and beaten. (1 cynical snot bubble, one snidely snicker)
5. The Bud Clydesdale/Rocky spot wins this year’s Way Funnier Than It Was Supposed To Be Award. As I’m watching the dog train the horse to overcome the crushing disappointment of losing his place on the team I’m thinking, “Cool, they’re playing this super-sappy. It’s going to be awesome when they pull the rug out at the end.” But in a twist of shear unintended genius, they don’t. It’s just a sappy feel-good spot about working hard to achieve your dreams. Get it? (Score: a mild scowl caused by my increasing imperviousness to gratuitous tear mongering)
6. Hyundai then actually tried to make fun of the predictably unpredictable ending with their first spot. After claiming their new car was somehow comparable to BMW and Mercedes they tell us that this is where the big twist comes in. But guess what? The jokes on them. It’s a Hyundai. Thanks for telling me before I actually considered buying one. (Score: sigh of relief)
7. The Breathe Fire and Ability to Fly spots for Bud Light are notable because of how unsubtly unfunny they were. Since you’re not allowed to poke fun at the actual effects of beer drinking, Budweiser had to imagine new, more outlandish side effects. After watching these spots I couldn't help but long for the endless slew of awkward office party and beer goggle schticks (see below) that would surely propagate if you were allowed to actually tell the truth about why people drink beer. (Score: 2 hiccups)
8. Cashews that make everybody around you so fall-down-drunk that they actually consider you attractive. You gotta hand it to Planters. Not to be outdone by Emerald Nut’s Robert Goulet spot last year they take home the I Want What Your Creative Team Was Smoking Award. (Score: a lingering cough)
9. Not last, but certainly least in my book, is the Dell (Red) spot, where a kid gets endless adulations for having purchased a Dell laptop through a program (Red) that donates money to fight AIDS in Africa. Now, normally I would just give this spot the Your Brief Is Showing Award for its ham-handed portrayal of what some clueless planner told them is that jubilant feeling you get knowing your purchase goes to a good cause. Because, let’s face it, the real reason we do good things is so lots of people will like us, right? Great message. But that’s only part of what I found so disturbing about this spot. (RED) is a good organization that, on some levels, I wholeheartedly agree with. But they never even told me what the good thing is. Save Lives, is all it says. At the very end. Which means they spent a few million dollars to reach a few million people and never bothered to mention that (RED) helps fight a savage yet preventable epidemic in Africa that’s killing millions of innocent people. (Score: a wag of the finger to Dell, RED, and Mother NY, the latter two I would have expected more from)
10. Less seriously, pitching a goofy movie and weak beer at the same time, Will Ferrell said that a lot of sweat goes into making Bud Light. Which makes me wonder if somewhere there’s an elite fraternity of creative people laughing themselves into fits about who got their clients to say the most disgusting thing about their product on marketing’s biggest stage. (See 7 & 8 above.) (Score: Okay, I’ll laugh to that. 2 snot bubbles.)